so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
