if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
