Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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