I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
