my mouth tastes like poor choices
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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