The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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