eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
