u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
