totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
