i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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