new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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