sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
