Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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