I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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