I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
