Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
