What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
