clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
