When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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