Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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