i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
two words...techno handjob
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
