I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
