I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
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fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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