I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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