So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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