new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
