Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
