the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Randomize
