I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
