evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
