too bad you live with your parents still
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
