herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
