the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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