My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
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And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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