I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
