I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
