i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
