I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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