apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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