Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you traded sex for a burrito?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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