I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
