They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Two words: blizzard sex
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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