So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
