Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
