I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
