upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
