I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
