i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
