I cannot find my penis.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
