i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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