You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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