im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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