A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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