Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
