Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is the high leading the old right now
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
