Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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