I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
