woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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