dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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