I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
